If you wait long enough, some life decisions will be made for you. Career, marriage, children… where we will live. Practically anything can be decided by procrastination. Maybe everything isn’t what I imagined for myself when I was young. Some things have exceeded my expectations, and other things took a wrong turn that was completely out of my control. But for the most part, I am on the right path now, and I know exactly what I want.
Except for one topic.
Over the holiday, a conversation reminded me that we have made no decisions about having more children. I say “reminded” me, because I don’t think about it at all anymore – I just go about my days, oblivious to the thing that once dominated my every thought. But somewhere in the back of my mind I am aware that we have not really settled this matter. We are both officially in our forties, and Teghan is about to turn nine. Has the decision already been made for us?
My post about what 365 days might bring was meant to be the post to let everyone know what has been happening recently. I made an announcement about being pregnant once we hit the second trimester, so somehow I had to explain why I wasn’t pregnant anymore. And to be honest, I have no interest in going into a lot of detail about it beyond that. This is an autism parenting blog, after all- a topic I keep to for at least every other post, right?
But I have to address the amazing responses I received, mostly private, from friends and blog followers. I feel terrible that I was not in a place to immediately respond to all of them. Many of you sent me kind words. Many of you told me about your own experience with miscarriage or infertility. While I am still wrapping my mind around the experience, I know it’s the infertility factor that is a little harder to accept. I actually laughed when the doctor said to call him immediately if I find out I am pregnant again. But I learned to accept it once before, and I will get there again. A few of you truly understand that. Some of you had no experience at all, but took the time to try to find the words anyway. Or took the time just to say you didn’t have any words.
So I want to say thank you to all of you. I feel as if I owe you all some kind of return heartfelt story, but it turns out I am emotionally challenged. So I am going to confess to that instead. My coworker will really appreciate this. She desperately tries to pry emotion out of me, and this is as close as she will get. I will continue to deny her hug requests. Forever.
This past month has been troubling at best. I would like to blame it all on hormones, but I know it is a little more than that. I’m not worried, because it seems I have been drenched in proof that everyone has it worse than I do. In the past three years, this probably ranks number three on my “sometimes life is bad” list. Still, in spite of a determined effort to avoid any moments of being left alone with my thoughts, I have failed- at least twice a day, every day. But in those moments of failure I have managed to work out a few things about my world. Continue reading
Since having our daughter, I don’t think much about having a baby anymore. Do I wish we had more children? Sure. We are also very open to adoption. But I just don’t spend time thinking about it the way I once did. It’s no longer a priority in my life.
For years I remained fearful of having children. I married my husband when I was twenty years old, and I had no intention of inviting tiny people into that world before I turned thirty. I wondered how we would manage having a family on our schedule. We often went to bed after the sun came up, and setting our alarm for noon was not uncommon.
Things changed once I got a day job. Suddenly I was getting up at eight and going to bed before three… Having children seemed (a little) less intimidating. This was good, because we did want to have children. And thirty was getting closer and closer. Around the age of twenty-eight, I began thinking that it might not be so easy for me to get pregnant. So we decided to discard all birth control a little earlier than planned.
And wow how that did not make a difference.